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Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no
one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.


I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.


Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with
fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly
on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.


Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some
point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

That is hysterical.That is the funniest thing I've read in awhile. I just woke Katie up from laughing so hard...at a computer screen...by myself...again!! Oops,the two year old woke up too. I better go to another thread,for the families sake.Thank you for that post...excellant!!

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John McGrath
Chef de Cuisine
Boston

Oh John, I am so glad you reacted the same way I did. I laughed so hard I got hiccups!
Perhaps we should have a chili cook off in Boston - the winner gets a dozen Krispy Kremes, and a life-time supply of TUMS! LOL! Candy

What a hoot!! After the day I had yesterday, I needed a good pick me up. It made me laugh till I cried. Thanks for sharing this with us.

Deb
Culinary Creations by Deb Bowers

Yes, chili really is like that here in Texas. And so are the temps right now!

I laughed ' til I cried - that is a scream!!!

That was so funny! I really needed a good laugh too. Thanks for sharing that.
KarenN
Incredible Edibles
Snohomish, WA

That was truly a Depends® moment! I laughed, I cried, I peed my pants... well, not really but it was funny just the same!


Samantha Ellis
The Enchanted Kitchen
Cape Cod, MA
Enchanted_Kitchen@excite.com

Omygosh! This is a SCREAM! I did actually srceam when I read this. I really need to check this site everyday. What fun!

Chef Angela
Chef In Your Kitchen
Washington, DC